There is a toxic lie that I was told in my youth:

Maybe it’s you.

(Maybe you’ve heard it, too.)

Unfortunately, the lie persisted into adulthood.

Maybe it’s your bad decisions.

Maybe it’s your response to situations.

Maybe it’s just you who will always be the issue.

Unbelievably, someone even gave me a book one day during my hardest season of life called Maybe It’s You.

Seriously.

But what I am learning is that the self-hatred and guilt that comes with believing you are always a problem is no way to growth and change and a beautiful life.

Here are three ways to bring yourself through a hard season without beating yourself up:

1. You can’t go back, so go forward. Allow yourself to feel the emotions of the heartbreak, but set a goal for when you think you will feel ready to re-launch. And keep this promise to yourself. No amount of time spent standing at the closed door will change the decisions you made in that moment, but choosing to gather your strength and move to the next one is brave. You’ll know when you’re ready.

2. Find the lesson. And, no, I’m not suggesting you stay in that raw pain until a picture-perfect lesson materializes. What I mean is for you to find one small nugget that has made you stronger. Maybe you learned the importance of boundaries. Maybe you learned how to forgive. Maybe you learned to keep your circle smaller. But, I promise, once you see that sliver of strength, you will find gratitude, too.

3. You don’t always get to choose the environment – make your peace. One of the absolute hardest truths of life is that where we are isn’t always our choice. Maybe it was abuse or neglect in childhood. Maybe it was a move where you didn’t get a say. Maybe it was a social structure established long before you arrived. Forgive yourself for not always knowing their rules, and love yourself through your best efforts. All along, you were trying.

Guilt and shame only leave us paralyzed, and they keep us from embracing our very best life.

We weren’t perfect, but neither were our choices.

And I believe you have the strength to move on from the ashes.

And make something beautiful from the dust. 

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