If I’m honest, a single “no” used to destroy me.

I’m a feeler, and I pour my passion into everything I do.

So, any closed door felt incredibly personal. 

I’m not enough.
I didn’t try hard enough.
I must be a failure.

And any chance of progress – any growth on the horizon – would stop completely.

But, I have to confess, this kind of living is not living at all.

It’s fearing the next barrier.

It’s fearing the future.

So, I had to make some difficult changes (with the help of plentiful counseling and prayer).

Here’s how you, too, can use your “no” to grow:

1. Let it the pain come, let the pain go. This is where we most often stop. We run from pain through busy and distraction. Recently, I received one of my hardest “no’s”. I came home and laid in bed, wide-awake for an hour. Then, I picked myself up, made a warm beverage, and connected with my family. Don’t be afraid to take a step back. Don’t be afraid to retreat. But be brave enough to re-emerge. Warm beverages help.

2. Look for the seed. I believe every “no” can offer us clues. Why might this not have gone as planned? Look beyond yourself here – what wasn’t within your control? Be honest. Give yourself this grace. Then, consider what, if anything you could have done differently or better. The best way to fight regret, shame, and guilt is to find the seed of truth – the nugget of wisdom you can carry with you. Viewing the “no” as a lesson will make you better, not bitter.

3. Let the closed door drive you, not destroy you. In the moment of rejection, moving forward can feel impossible. But every previous “no” you have experienced before has strengthened you…and prepared you for the next “no”. And each time, you are wiser and more capable (no matter how right now might make you feel). What if your door isn’t supposed to stop you but merely re-route you to a brighter future? Let it fuel your hope and re-focus your purpose. Direct your eyes to the road ahead rather than the red light you must leave behind.

The “no’s” of life are not designed to stop us, but I believe there is wisdom in pausing to reflect on where we are and where we are heading.

And if you find yourself in a season of closed doors, please hear these words:

A “no” is a gift if we listen.

And it may be exactly what we need to find our very best life.

And to find our very best “yes”.

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